The “A” word

This will undoubtedly be one of those days that I will remember the rest of my life.

February 15, 2016.

The day my precious little boy was officially diagnosed with autism.

It will be like May 24, 2002. After that date my life became made up of life before the accident and life after the accident.

It’s an anniversary I never would have wanted, but it’s there. 

Today is the same type of anniversary.

I wanted to write while the emotions are still fresh, so that one day I can look back and remember exactly what this was like. So that maybe one day I can help somebody else.

We drove an hour to the appointment to meet the “Autism Doctor”. On the way there I was nervous he would tell us that yes indeed, Austin has autism.  I was equally scared he would say he didn’t.  

The doctor joined us in the cheerful playroom with the fish tank & the train table. He watched Austin for maybe a minute before saying “Has anyone mentioned the A word to you?”

There was no shock in today’s diagnosis. In my heart, I’ve know for a long time something was wrong; but  hearing it officially makes it that much more real.

Before the appointment today I was beginning to question my own sanity, and wondered if something was wrong with me. Did I WANT a child with autism? Why couldn’t I let it go, even when Austin’s pediatrician wanted to blow me off or make excuses?

Given that, I really thought there would have been a sense of relief in today’s diagnosis. But there wasn’t.

I’m honestly not sure what I’ve felt today. I was somewhat numb, then I saw a video of Austin giggling as an infant, and I cried. I’ve cried off and on. But I can’t really say I feel relived, or positive or anything other than completely overwhelmed.

One thing is for sure. Austin is worth all of this. Every bit of it. I wouldn’t trade my beautiful, sweet boy for anything.